Friday, October 19, 2018

“Rules of Radio”
Dan Hubert, VE9DAN

(Originally published sometime in 1996 or 1997)


1) There shall be no talking by the family during a QSO.
2) The XYL shall assist with antenna construction when and only when required.
3) The shack budget will take precedence over all other incidental items such as mortgages, food, echoes, etc.
4) Christmas stocking stuffers for the OM must include at least two items for the shack (total value of not less than $300).
5) Flea markets, hamfests, and field days over-rule family holidays.
6) Furry pets are not allowed near the rig (except for testing purposes).
7) TVI never occurs within the home, or if it does, is negligible and does not count.
8) All trees around QTH shall be considered antenna supports, and not "greenery", "landscaping", or other such nonsense. Corollary: Any tree may be cut down, pruned, poisoned, dug up, or otherwise removed should it be in the way of wire.
9) The last postage stamp and envelope in the home shall be reserved for direct QSL mailings, and not for personal letters, bills, or mail orders (unless orders are for shack).
10) Any number of holes may be drilled in the family car to accommodate mobile whips. Corollary: Coax may droop across the steering column occasionally.
11) Never herewith shall insurance coverage of shack items be less than triple the replacement value, notwithstanding acts of God.
12) Burger King must never allow the holy whopper oven to cool.
13) Newly licensed hams must honor, praise, look up to, ask easy questions of, and purchase coffee for, old guys.
14) The XYL shall anticipate good band propagation conditions at all times, and whenever rare DX flows in, she shall without fail;
a) keep log when requested;
b) hold all phone calls - except those from other hams;
c) call the OM's work QTH the next morning and cover his absence with a good excuse;
d) appear very excited;
e) change all her plans to suit;
f) provide steaming coffee at 45 minute intervals;
g) cancel all household chores, and in particular, cancel vacuuming.
15) All materials owned by the work QTH can and will be used for ham projects.
16) These rules may be modified at any time, without notice, to continuously be in the OM's best interest.
17) The most recent licensee must beareth the brunt of our collective teasing until the next new licensee fills his humiliated shoes.
18) All members of all radio clubs must support, in unsurpassed vigor and cooperation, whatever the resident "contest man" suggests-ith.
19) Whence OM bears unrelentless fright of tower height, others must climbeth said structure unfailingly upon request.
20) Refer longstanding rule #15. Verily, if you cannot convince work QTH to donateth items for thine shack, thou shalt quit said despicable workplace without notice. Simply QRT-eth hastily-eth.

21) New rule added by Rich, WB2MBM, August 11/97 via pactor: I'd like to add a rule to the list... "Coax cables may be routed to achieve the lowest loss, regardless of whether they cause doors, windows, etc., to be blocked or otherwise not to function. And if the house appears to be trapped in a sort of rubber "spider's web," that's a plus rather than a minus." 

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